You can find out firsthand what its like to be me
by Luvingtheshadowhunters
Summary: New moon: "He had been gone for six months now. Since the day he'd left I've gone from 110 pounds to 212.6 pounds." Warnings: Eating disorders, slight self harm, cursing. The story of Bella using food to comfort losing her love. And then making a complete 180 when her love returns and has concerns about her health
1. Chapter 1

*12 months ago*

He had been gone for six months now. Since the day he'd left I've gone from 110 pounds to 212.6 pounds. And the thing is, I don't really care. I don't care that all my friends AKA Angela had stopped trying months ago. I don't care that Charlie was threatening to send me back to my Moms. I especially don't care that Mike had stopped pursuing me.

In the end I've figured something out. There was really no point in trying. Not with life. Not with my appearance. And it just so happens since Edward left chocolate taste better then I remember.

Two things had stuck around though. Music. And Jacob. The short amount of time where he had left me, thinking it was too dangerous being the big bad wolf he was, had been the second worst thing that had ever happened to me. That was when I'd gained the most weight. I'd already gained about thirty pounds at this point. But in a month I gained about forty more. I'd gained the rest gradually, and the scale was still going up.

Right now he and I sat on the couch, watching a movie, two separate bowls of popcorn between us. Mine was mixed with Mnms. He was the only reason I haven't thrown myself out a window yet. I cringe at my morbid and quite dramatic thoughts.

Jacob notices. "Bells? I thought you liked this movie, you've only had us watch it ten thousand time," he laughs. "Huh," I look at him caught off guard. "No, no.. it's not the movie. It's still cheesy like I like it," I smile a little, trying to distract him. "Then what is it?" he takes my hand.

It truly amazed me. Even at this high a weight, my looks down the drain, my personality with it, Jacob still looked at me like that. Like I was the only girl in the world. And it killed me I could physically never feel that way towards him. Or anyone for that matter.

"It's nothing. I just think I'm getting tired." I take this out, regardless of the truth in it, seeing how late it was. Jacob looks at his phone. "Huh, eleven already. I should be going.." He sounded guilty, and I would miss him even if I'd see him the very next afternoon. I squeeze his hand. "Ill see you tomorrow Jake." He smiles, nodding and putting his shirt back on as he stood. "Right, tomorrow." And unlike I would be doing in a few minutes, after we say our goodbyes, he leaves his popcorn sitting on the couch.

I throw his out, cleaning his bowl out and putting it in the dishwasher. I take mine however upstairs to my room along with a pop tart and a sandwich.

Laying on my bed, winded from the walk upstairs, I stare up at the ceiling chewing on some popcorn. Is this really what my life had come to? Hanging out with a beautiful boy I'd friend zoned, eating down Charlie's food supply and mourning the boy I loved most in the world who didn't give two shits about me.

"Bella?" A melodic voice says from across the room. It sounded unsure, confused. I jump, sitting straight up and spilling my popcorn everywhere.

Topaz eyes met my own dull chocolate brown ones. "E-Edward?" Was I hallucinating again.. This wasn't real. But my hallucinations had never talked before I realize. He takes a few steps forward, eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah.. it's me."

After the initial shock passes, I.. burst into tears. Out of surprise and mortification and kind of pure happiness to see him. Arms are instantly around me, I hear crunching as popcorn breaks apart under him. "Bella.. stop. What is it?" I almost shake him off of me, not wanting him to feel exactly how big I'd gotten, but this was probably the last time he'd every hug me. He felt bad. I don't why he's here, but that's the only reason he'd hug me. My arms go around his forever small waist and I just cry.

Edward rubs my back. "Calm down Bella," he whispers. "I know you don't want me here. I know I should leave.. But.." He pulls back, easily breaking my hold on him. "Before I do.. I have to apologize."

"A-apologize?" I manage to get out. "Yes," He looks down. "The way I left.. the way I spoke to you.. it's unforgivable. And even asking it of you to forgive me is the second most selfish thing I'll ever do." I'd calmed down at this point and couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was apologizing? Curiosity overcomes my astonishment. "What's the first most selfish thing?"

Edward looks up meeting my eyes. "Telling you, after all this time, how much I still love you. Even more so even, then when I left." My eyes widen and I just stare. "Bella?" He asks after a few seconds, seeming to get concerned. "Bella, please say something." "You're an asshole," I whisper. "What?" He ask surprised. "You're an asshole," I repeat. But as I do so, I throw my arms back around him.

Surprised, he wraps his arms around me as well. "Why are you hugging me then?" "Because I love you to. I never stopped." And just like that, six months apart became nothing because despite the dick move he pulled, he came back. I assume this means he's staying cause if he loves me like he says he does.. he wouldn't come back and say this to me just to leave. He has better things to do then play with my emotions.

That night, the food is pushed from my bed and we lay back, up all night just talking. My weight isn't brought up that night. In fact it isn't brought up by Edward or any of the Cullens for a few more months.

10 months ago…

230 pounds. Since Edward had gotten back, I had gained almost twenty-six pounds. It wasn't anymore that I wasn't happy. It was just I couldn't stop. I was completely embarrassed at how big I was, but not wanting to draw attention to the fact, I didn't say anything. And Edward decided it was time to intervene.

We got home from school and sat down on the couch, me with a Hershey bar. I go to turn on the t.v but Edward stops me. "Bella, we need to talk about something." I bite my lip, setting the controller back down. I look down at my lap helplessly. "You're leaving again arnt you?" I mumble.

Edward seems to start a little, putting his finger under my two chins and lifting my face up to look up at him. "No Bella. Where the hell did you get that idea? I'm never leaving, not unless you tell me to." "Oh.." I blush, pulling my head away from him. He smiles a little seeing the blood in my cheeks. Since he'd gotten back it didn't seem to bother him as much.

"It's…" It was his turn to look away. "It's about your weight." My mouth actually drops open. "W-what do you mean?" He looks back at me, a bit of anger in his eyes. "Bella, do not play stupid with me. You know what I'm talking about. You've gained over a hundred pounds!" My face flushes again, but it does not make him smile.

"I.. I'm sorry," A tear finds it's way down my cheek. He sees it, sighing and running a hand through his always messy hair. "I'm not trying to upset you," he mutters. "Well," I say, surprising myself with the venom in my voice. "What did you think calling me fat was going to do? I know okay.. I know I'm fat, I know I'm ugly. I know I'm not good enough for you.." He looks up, his eyes widening. "Bella, that's not what I'm trying to say!"

"Of course it is," I heave myself off the couch. "Just leave Edward. Please…" "But Bella-""Go!" I yell. He leaves quickly.

I wasn't angry at him, not really. I was angry at myself for letting it get this bad. I go to the bathroom, pulling up my shirt. My XXL shirt. I turn to the side, seeing how my stomach hung over the edge of my jeans. The old grandma jeans with an elastic waist band. No regular jeans fit anymore.

And with that, something snaps in my brain and I punch the mirror, glass exploding every where. Good thing Charlie was at the station. Not that that would explain this mess when he –did- get home. Blood ran from my fat knuckles and I collapsed to the floor making the bathroom shake a little.

Cold arms embrace me suddenly, "Bella.." He whispers. He picks me up easily, taking me to my bed. I couldn't stop the tears. He leaves, probably cleaning up the bathroom and getting something to clean my hand.

I knew I was right when I feel a piece of glass being pulled from my hand and wet wrag being pressed to it. Soon after, a bandage it wrapped around it and Im pulled down against Edward chest. "I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm just concerned Bella. It's got nothing to do about how you look. I just know being overweight is unhealthy and I don't want you to get sick.."

I nod, calming down after a few minutes. "It's fine Edward.. I over reacted.. I'll try to eat healthier okay?" He nods, smiling. "Thank you."

I vowed to lose weight. I wanted to be worthy of Edward, I wanted to not have Edward worrying about me dying of heart attack by bread at the age of eighteen. I would be small again if it killed me. And at that moment, I knew I wasn't going to do this healthily, not at all.

3 months ago..

I looked at the mirror, which had been fixed, pleased as I put on a shirt I hadn't dared to wear in a long time. The blue shirt I had first worn to Bella Italia that day with Edward. At 130 pounds, it was pretty snug, but I didn't rip it like I would have previously.

Don't get me wrong, I had made a lot of progress. But I was still huge, I wasn't even to my starting weight, let alone my goal weight. "You look lovely today," Arms wrap around my waist. When I had been over 200, he hadn't been able to do this, his arms not big enough.

"Thank you," I turn smiling and standing on tiptoes to steal a kiss. "Ready for school?" He ask. I nod, "Yeah, just let me grab my bag." "And breakfast," he reminds me. I internally sigh. He'd started catching onto my unhealthy eating habits, on the other end of the scale from previously, but had done nothing but remind me to eat when he saw I wasn't. "Not hungry this morning," I sling my bag over my shoulder. "Or any morning," I swear I hear him mutter.

But he doesn't bring it up again. Not for a long time in fact.

Now..

I stand in my underwear in the bathroom, looking down at the scale. One hundred pounds.

A/N: Wow. First chapter of... anything in awhile. To be honest this will prob only be a 1 or 2 shot. Hope u enjoyed though. U know it only takes a second to review and they make my day c:


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Not sure if I should even bother apoligizing for this one. Two years. God dammit Haley, pay attention. You know some of my stories havent been updated in 3 years? 3. Years. 3 YEARS. God I hate myself. Okay. Imma stop rambling. Youve waited more than a year for this shit. Goddammit yhall im sorry.

I smile brightly. I had done it. My goal weight. Sure it wasn't the healthiest weight but.. I turn, staring at my pale body. My smile fades. Stretch marks marred the surface of my stomach, my thighs. From the fat.. the fat I let myself attain as I let myself go. But not anymore. For now the stretch marks could wait. I have a new goal weight and then Ill stop. Ill get scar cream. Ill be me again, even better. Worthy of Edward. I was almost there.

I run my finger over the ridges of my ribs and force myself to smile again. Ive got this. I turn away, sighing. I need to get dressed. Edward could be here any minute and I wasn't sure how he'd react to my new body, If he'd try to stop me. Or if he'd be disgusted. What if I'm still fatter than I think? What if I'm wrong?

Shaking off those thoughts, I dress in one of Edward's tshirts and some pajama pants. While they were ones I owned before Edward left and I gained all the weight, they still hung loose. Edwards shirts finally fit again as well. Fit was a bit of a stretch considering it hung close to my knees.

I brush my teeth and climb into my bed, snuggling under the covers. Within minutes just as expected, an even paler figure than myself joins me.

"Hello my Bella," he kisseds my forehead. " Hello my Edward," I grin. "You seem in a good mood?" He raises his eyebrows. I shrug. "Am I not allowed to be happy?" Edward nuzzles my neck as he pulls me closer, a sheet between us to keep my skin from his own icy cold skin. Not that I minded much. The closer to Edward the better. "Not only are you allowed," He kisses her neck gently, carefully. "I will spend every day of your life making sure that's how you feel."

I smile, though the 'your life' part kinda put a damper on my mood. As in I'd die and he would still be here, thriving and moving on. Forgetting me, no matter how skinny I got. I shook my head quickly, leaning down to pull his lips to mine to rid me of the thoughts. "With you, I don't see how I could ever not be happy." His expression changes for a split second. It confused me, but as quickly as it was there it was gone.

I feel his fingers, tracing my collar bone. The bone sharp and sticking out, I flinch back a little. "What's wrong?" He asks. Not in a familiar tone though. It lacked emotion, lacked the concern that usually accompianied this question. "Nothing," I say, my voice shaking slightly. "Mhm," His golden eyes were far off. "Are you?" I run my finger over the defined line of his jaw, shivering at the cold. "I would be." "If?" I question. "If.. I just.. I love you so much," He sightly changes the subject, brushing my hair out of my face. "I love you too," I say back, leaning into his touch.

I watch him concerned. "Get some sleep," Edward finally whispers. I nod, not feeling like argueing like I usually would. "Stay?" I ask hopefully, curling into his side. "Of course," He wraps his arms around my waist. It felt different though, to gentle, as if he thought I was even more breakable than usual. "I love you," I mumble one more time. In response, he just kisses my head, rubbing my back as he becomes lost in thought.

The next morning, I awaken to Edward shaking me slightly. "Time to get up love." I frown, burying my face in his neck. "It's Saturday," I mutter. "You need some breakfast and it's eleven." "It's the weekend," I repeat, just turning away from him. I was so tired. I had been a lot lately, almost not getting up for school on several occasions. Plus, as he pointed out, it was breakfast time and I couldn't afford it this morning. Not having finally met my first goal weight.

"Bella, please," he sighs. "You can't sleep this much, it's not healthy." I mutter some choice words, not pleased with his continued talking, wanting to drift back off to sleep. He seemed taken aback because he didnt speak for a few moments. I feel him place me softly on the pillow and then as his weight shifts off the bed when he stands.

"One more hour. I'm going to make some lunch." I don't respond, pretending I was already asleep. Oh well, at least I could sleep a little longer and got out of one meal. I could always pick at my food. He couldn't force me to eat all of it, could he?

As promised, I was woken once again an hour later. Still groggy I get up, not bothering to change out of my pajamas, brushing my teeth and my hair slowly as I tried to avoid the inevitable.

I joined Edward downstair ten minutes later, the scent of what smelled like alfredo filling my nose. I frown, why did he have to go through so much trouble?

Edward sat at the table in Charlie's usual spot. Across from him was a monstorus plate of alfredo just as she thought, piled higher than could possibly be okay. Once upon a time, it was my usual serving size. I hadnt eaten that much in awhile though. My stomach twist.

I sit in the seat, and I must have been making a face because Edward leaned forward, eyebrows furrowed. "Does it look okay?" He asks, worried he messed it up. I shake my head, smiling weakly. "No. It looks wonderful. Thank you," I kiss him quickly.

"So what's the plans today?" I ask after a few minutes of him watching me play with my food, occasionally sticking a noodle in my mouth, trying to break the silence and distract him a little. "I dont know," he says surprised. "What do you wanna do?" I shrug. "I'm fine with staying here and watching a movie." He scrunches up his nose adorably. "I don't feel like watching The Breakfast Club again." I laugh. "Any better suggestions." "Well," he grins. "We could watch a movie we can't both quote line by line. Or... we could go to the meadow. It's beautiful out today." I nod enthusiastically. That sounded like a good idea. We hadn't been there in a while.

"I like that. Just let me go get dressed." He grabs my wrist. "Nice try, after you finish eating." I narrow my eyes, not liking the way he said 'nice try.' "I didn't say I wouldn't." Edward's own eyes harden a little. "Of course. My bad." I stir the alfredo around a little bit more for a few minutes. "You know Bella," My boyfriend says, sounding increasingly frustrated. "Eating requires putting the food in your mouth."

"I know how to eat," I snap. "Sorry, lately it seems like you forgot," he snaps right back, but seems to regret the words instantly. "Bella I-" "No," I stand, holding up a hand. "Edward just don't." I walk out of the room. "Bella come on," Edward goes to follow me, but I speed up, making it clear I didn't want him to.

I go up to my bathroom, closing the door and sinking to the floor.


End file.
